Being a team leader or a manager is hard. Sometimes, it’s very hard! Every week you will need to navigate one or more difficult conversations. What’s really hard though is starting the conversation. Get it wrong and you could be met with resistance, defiance, push-back, blame or deflection. Leading with curiosity can be a conversation game-changer.
Showing that you care is not a fluffy, woo thing to do. You can do this easily with another ‘c’ word – curiosity.
A curiosity mindset transforms a potentially confrontational interaction into an opportunity for growth and understanding. By sharing observations and asking open-ended questions, you can uncover the root causes of behavioural issues, offer support, and foster an environment of trust and psychological safety. This isn’t about excusing poor performance or bad behaviour but about empowering your team members to rise to challenges and reach their full potential.
Here’s a round-up of five situations in which you can start a conversation with curiosity and avoid the backlash that prevents a meaningful and constructive conversation from happening.
When you must give difficult or constructive feedback
In our team leader development program, we give learners a framework that they can use to deliver difficult feedback. Often leaders avoid giving difficult feedback because they’re afraid of offending the person. Instead of launching straight into the feedback, start with a curious question. “How do you think you went at today’s presentation?”. Then use questioning techniques (something else we cover in our team leader development program) to find out what they felt went well and didn’t go so well. You may find you don’t need to give any feedback at all!
When an employee is constantly late or absent a lot
Deep down, you probably know there’s something wrong. Leaders often avoid this conversation because they don’t want to pry into their team members’ private lives, and they just live in hope that the problem rectifies itself when they get over whatever it is that’s causing the lateness. But when it starts becoming a problem or gets worse, being curious can help you open the conversation. Start with your observation: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been coming into work late recently” or “I’ve noticed that you’re away from work more than you used to be”. Then follow with your curious question. “Is everything OK”, or “is there anything you want to share with me?”. If they are unwilling to share, then you can proceed to clarifying expectations around absence and being on time and asking them how they can meet those expectations.
Unpacking an attitude problem
Telling someone that their attitude sucks is not a great conversation starter! When you have noticed a shift in someone’s attitude at work, there are so many things that could have caused this. It could be disengagement, they’re struggling with something personally, or they’re struggling with their work. Getting to the bottom of why instead of chastising is going to be most productive. Again, start by describing your observations in a non-judgemental way, and follow up with the words “that’s not like you” or “that’s not the person I know” or “these observations tell me that you’re not happy”. Then you can follow up with your curious question … “I’m curious to know what’s on your mind these days” or “is there something going on that’s making you unhappy?”.
When someone is clearly not on board with change
When change rears it’s (sometimes ugly) head, everyone in your team is going to react differently. Some will embrace it enthusiastically, others will be indifferent, and others might be openly hostile about it. Instead of labelling someone who is change-resistant as difficult, find out what it is that’s making them hostile. Maybe it’s fear of what they’ll lose (eg status), or fear that they’re not going to be smart enough to change successfully (eg if it’s a big technology change). Once again, start with your observations, “I heard you say …”. Then your question: “I can see that this change is difficult for you. Would you like to describe what it is about the change that’s troubling you?”. Notice as well how this question is framed – it’s not “why are you resisting the change” – that’s a confrontational question.
I could go on for days describing situations in which curiosity helps to open a difficult conversation. If you’re new to this technique, you might not get much out of people. I urge you to persevere – the more you go in with curiosity, and be consistent about it, the more people will trust you and open up to you.
Team member has become withdrawn or seems overwhelmed
In this situation, you’ve noticed a change in someone’s demeanor, and they’re not the same as they were a while back. Maybe it’s been a gradual change, or a sudden change that has persisted. Deep down, you know there’s something wrong. Leaders often avoid broaching this situation because they don’t want to pry into their team members’ private lives. Like the attitude problem, it’s important to reflect on the observable behaviours that signal something is wrong, for example they’re not as chatty with colleagues or have stopped contributing in team meetings. Ask permission to share the observations and say how they’re different to how they used to act. Then follow up with “are you OK?” Or “how are you?”. Extra hot tip: don’t accept “I’m fine” as an answer. Always follow that up with “how are you really?”. Often the second or third asking of the question will get a response.
I can’t guarantee that all difficult conversations will go well. What I can be surer of though, is that if you practice this technique of sharing your observations in a non-judgmental way and asking curious questions, these conversations will be easier to start. As well, it pays to hone your skills in active listening and questioning techniques. Using these skills will make these conversations much easier and can prevent them from descending into all-out war. Learn these skills and more in our team leader development program.
